I cannot break up with her, because I love her. But just because I love her, doesn't mean I want to be with her. I have been trying to get rid of her since before I lost Wendy, but for some reason... I cannot fucking rid myself of her. I get irritated, I get upset at the world, and she is always included in that. I fucking cannot stand the way she makes me feel sometimes, I don't even know how to handle it. I want to deny myself of her love, because I cannot stand it.... I cannot stand this feeling of wanting to burst out into tears about nothing in particular. I cannot tell you why I want to break up with her, I don't even know myself, but I know the feeling is wanting to push her away. I don't want her to come back. I cannot tell her this, because I love her. And love... does love come with these feelings? I never imagined that it would. This is new to me. And I have been in love so many times before. I fucking hate the way I live my life. Pretend that there is nothing wrong, when god damn it, I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Not good.

Nicole,

I knew you were a danger to me. I fell in love with a mistake. I wish I never had to fall in love with you. I AM BENEATH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I am crying to save myself from my mistakes.... but now... I'm just shielding myself from the truth. I am scared. I am scared of how much it is going to hurt. I am scared. I am scared. I want to cry, but not on your shoulder... I want to cry in my hands... I want to cry cradling myself. I am scared and I don't know of what. I am scared of everything you have to offer me. This is just what is coming off the top of my head... and I cannot seem to control my thoughts. I want to run and never see you again. I want to run..... run away from the love you can give me..... RUN, RUN, RUN!!! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.... I am sorry for bringing you into my pathetic excuse of a human existence. FUCK!!!!! Hate me please, if you hate me.... this would be so much easier. But I know you never could... but I'm telling you.... I am scared. I am scared. I am terrified. I am hurt... I am suffering... but I am hiding it... you'll never understand.